Well, I am no longer tightly wound :)


I am, however, sitting here with the need to do more job-searching.

Fuck.

I keep hoping to hear back from Wheatfields.  I should sometime this week.

In the meantime, I need to keep looking.

I walked around today.

I love the neighborhood in which I was.

I thought, "I wonder if I will ever have a job I like, with which I can make enough money to have a home and a dependable car."  Odds are probably in favor, but we will see.

I will hope, if I dare.


I should look for jobs right now, but I would rather write.

Ah, if that were my job.......


I confess I don't feel as much of a need to write, since I am happy right now in my personal life.

If only the person with whom I am happy could support me financially while we are together and I could write and look for work and not worry.

I know he wants to, but right now, he cannot.

Maybe someday.

Of course, I want to support myself too, and have enough money so that we both can have nice things and enjoy each other.




If only I did not have to be sad to seem to want to write.


I will give it a try.



Emptiness.


I love it.





Something did fill me

Perfectly.

Beautifully

Wonderfully

I think of it

And I am full.

And yet I still want to be filled

Again

and Again

Always.

But yet not always

Just

Enough.




When something fills you perfectly

It is a sensation

That you do not

Forget.


It doesn't happen

That often

So

One

Remembers

and thinks of it

and treasures it

over

and

over.





If only

my mind

could be as filled

as my body is

sometimes.


Now

I am less restless

in my mind

than

I often

am.




And yet

it is still there

a vague

dissatisfaction.





I treasure it

even while

I hate it.




If I am ever completely

happy and content

I won't

know

how

to

behave

or feel

or think.





I hope I am never

fully

satisfied.





I want to remain

driven

to continue

to want.




However

it is nice

to be filled up

with

a big

perfect

cock

every now

and again.




I am looking

forward

to being like that

tonight.





It doesn't answer everything

But it does

take off

a bit of





.




With that

and something else

like

thought

and

action,


I think

I will


eventually


figure

something out.