It seems like I always want to cry.

I don't really know why it happens so often.

It's unusual for a day to go by when I don't.

It could be the coffee.

It could be a lot of things.

I think it is.

I had a date last night.

It was fun, but I don't think I'm really attracted to him.


I hope I will meet someone that I am attracted to when I am ready to be physical again.

Of course, it's kind of nice not being.

But sometime I want to be near someone.

Like when I fall asleep.

Of course, me wanting to cry all of the time is kind of a turn off, for myself, not to mention someone else.

My ex still wants to hang out, and sometimes I do as well.

He pretty much fucked up my life even more.





I had an interview today at Wheatfields.  I really hope I get it.  It would be nice to disappear into work.  And I love baking.  It's therapeutic.  And maybe I would gain weight.  Or at least eat more.


Right now I am drinking coffee and waiting to have enough energy to go and work out.

It's my drug.

I don't want to think that I will ever be happy.

If I don't think that, then I won't be disappointed.


It's a mystery to me how I can be so sad and also horny.

I probably just want to feel better in some way.

I can't think of anyone that I want to be with right now tho.

Well, I have a date on Saturday.  I hope I will be attracted to him.  He manages thrift stores, so I think I will like talking to him.  If things work out, we can look at clothes together, and maybe I could even work there!  It could be awkward I guess if I am dating him.  But maybe if we got good and secure then we would make a good team.  Who knows.  I really hope he is cute.  He is a great writer.  And he studied languages.  I really like talking to him so far.

The guy last night was really nice, but there wasn't a spark, in my mind at least.  He is shorter than me, and maybe I would be more attracted to him if he lost some weight.

I know his roommate, and actually I am attracted to him more.  He told me he was a few months ago, but when I suggested we hang out, he did not take it well.  Of course, I was getting ready to leave for a few months.  Now I would like to hang out with him, but I don't know if it will work out.  Esp. now that I have gone on a date w/ his roommate and I think he is interested in me.

He paid for everything; I felt bad, since I am not really attracted to him, but he said he wanted to.

I felt pretty comfortable with him as a friend, and he said he would be ok just being friends.  We'll see.

There was someone else who was interested in me, but he was too forward and it freaked me out.  So I am not going to see him.

Today I will go work out, and then probably hang out with my ex.

The apartment that we regrettably got together, I signed the lease of course, since of course his credit is shot. So now I am stuck with the consequences.



Fuck him.





Well, guess I'll go for now.



I really hope I feel better.