Tonight I worked more on my personal statement for grad school.
Already it is quite intimidating; it needs to be 600-1000 words I believe, and I have less than 400.  And I already feel I have said everything I want, although I don't feel I have said everything I need to.
This is why I hate personal statements.
I feel this enormous pressure to have it be perfect, and if I don't get accepted I will think, "It was my lackluster personal statement.  I am just not good enough at writing a compelling personal statement."
I think what I would like to focus my research on is interesting.
(I hope they will too)
I think I would like to research feminism, body image, and eating disorders throughout the history of France.
Maybe all this writing about eating disorders will one day help me with mine.
Truth is, I don't want to change what I eat.
I am happy with what I eat, which is a lot of ice cream.
I am not happy with how often and how much I am hungry, but I am happy with the amount of ice cream I consume every day.  Well, I do think it is probably too much, but I am still happy as I am taking another spoonful of it.
I think I have gained a bit of weight, but that is only because some of my clothes are not fitting any more, and in pictures sometimes I think I look fat.  Although usually I think I look too thin.
So there you have it.
I hope they will go for my research topic.
I have read other writings on the subject of eating disorders, and they have been of great help to me.
Then I could take classes, learn to teach, become a professor, be proud of what I am doing, and make enough money to pay my own bills and hopefully not be constantly worried about it.
I look around at the people who pass me on the road every day, and at the houses I drive by.
"How do they pay for all that?"  I wonder.  How is it possible that they have cracked the code and I have not?  What does it take that I don't know about to be able to buy things like houses and cars, or at least rent an accommodation and have a car that runs reasonably well?  And be able to pay for things like food and insurance and rent and presents for your family and going out and getting a drink once in a while?  How has seemingly everyone else figured out how to do this?
I honestly don't know.
I wish I did.
I hope someday it will happen.
I have to believe it will, otherwise, I don't want to go on.
I don't want to be worried every
single
day.
Please, I don't want to.
Please.

Ah well, think about something else.
So I have a renewed excitement to complete the application for grad school.
If I were to get accepted to U of Penn, I think that would be "it" for me.  Of course, I have thought that before, about going to France, about graduating.....  But I have to believe it will make things much better.
Just think of it, being on the campus in Pennsylvania, it is so beautiful there.  It's an Ivy League school, so I would be so thrilled and taken aback.  I really can't imagine, but I can dare to hope, I think.
Walking the campus in tweeds in the fall, with my books, the sun is gently falling through the leaves...
I would be teaching I think from the moment I arrive, another dream come true.
Oh, I hope and pray it is so.
Please, God.
Please let me work at something that I care about and that I believe I can contribute to.
Is that too much to ask?
I don't think it is in principle, but I have yet to see it played out in my life like that, at least after I graduated.
Being in school was difficult, but it was also heavenly.
To be able to study what I love, be surrounded by people who are studying the same thing, discussing it, it was wonderful.
I didn't know how wonderful it was, really, of course, until it was no more.
Then this semester, I had the opportunity to go back to school, but I didn't make it to a single class.
I would walk to campus, and then feel I should walk some more.  So I did.  Then I walked back home, went to work out.
Finally I just gave up the effort and simply worked out every day.
I would study, sometimes, in the evening.
It's nice to have enough time to "care for" my compulsions, but I believe it would be better if I had commitments I had to keep, such as work.
I am hoping I will have a job soon.
I kind of need one.
It would allow me to be free of J.
I am free of him already, but money is a huge worry.
I pray I won't need to worry about it soon.
Please, God.
I should be able to find a job in a month.
Right?
I am intelligent, well-spoken and -written, very attentive to detail, easy to get along with...  I would think I have many desirable qualities for an employer.
Please, God!
Thank you :)

Well, my brain is growing tired.
Till next time.