I wonder how many times this will happen in my life?
I hope not any more.
I have broken things off w/ J for what I hope is the last time.
He owed me money which I lent him fully thinking I would be repaid.
Well, that was stupid.
Anyway.
So now I have no money, no job, can't be a student right now, and I've paid for my apt. for the next month, but that's it.
Realistically, I should be able to find a job in the next month, at least enough to pay for a 200 dollar a month apartment and less than 100 in bills on top of that.
Luckily I get food stamps, so technically I never have to pay for food.
I am very grateful for that.
It's just being here again that is so crazy.
I have been here before, and it is terrible.
So of course I didn't want it to happen again.
But it did.
Well anyway, as I said, I should be able to find some place to work in a month where I can make over $300, but if that's all I can find, that's all I need, at the moment.
I would like to make more, though, to start saving up for things like a car.
I pray I can find something!
Soon!
Please, God!
Okay, well, moving on.
I would like to keep writing as well.
It's a good outlet, and if I am able to write well, so much the better.
And on top of that, if I can profit from it, well that would be so wonderful!
I can't imagine.
But I can hope. :)
My roommate is gone, and will be gone for the next 4 days.
I will miss her, especially right now.
I wonder if she will let me stay if it takes me a bit longer to find a job?
Well, let's just say I will find one soon!
Anyway, so the writing.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
What I Wish My Life Was
I wish my life was a success.
I am sitting here in my room at 1:46 a.m. on a Monday morning. I am picking my face, in my underwear and a tank top. I am rather warm, but don't want to do anything about it.
I stop typing every so often to wipe blood off my face and onto a t-shirt lying next to me.
The t-shirt is, of course, too small and tight, like many of my shirts.
Like the one I have on.
I was supposed to meet my not-yet-officially-ex boyfriend today to go for a walk and hang out.
When I get to his house, we talk for a second. I don't think he really wants to go for a walk, but I don't care. We have fought enough and he has let me down enough for me not to care what he wants.
If he wants it to be over, I am not going to argue.
I want it to be over.
Now all I have to do is tell him.
So here I am, sitting, just finished crying and looking at my bottle of sleeping pills and thinking, I could take a lot of those with vodka and I would probably die.
When I was young, I looked ahead to the time that I would be "old" and thought it would be wonderful. Oddly enough, I didn't picture myself married. I just imagined, I think, that I would be older, but still be on a sunny farm somewhere, or perhaps with a family, but not necessarily with a man. Although when I think about it, if I want to have a family, which I don't think I am yet ready for, I think there should be two parents.
I looked ahead, I thought I would be happy, I thought I would have a home and a family. Of course, I didn't think it through at all.
When I grew old enough to put all these vague ideas into reality, I took a round-about way of doing it.
I went to France right out of high school, living on donations from friends and family, under the guise of doing religious work. At the time I believed it. My family was not impressed with my actions. That's family for you, always supportive.
After being homeschooled, coddled and spoiled and ignored, I went to France. No family, no real supervision, no reality. One bubble to another.
I came back, lived at home again, and went to a community college for 1 year, with things pretty much as they were in hight school. Church often, no dating, no going out, no drinking. These things weren't forbidden me; they simply didn't occur to me. Of course I had crushes on boys, but other than the most innocent excitement of liking someone, I had no sexual desire or even an awareness of the possibility. I didn't like it when people touched me. I'm sure that had something to do with it.
Then I transferred to a college with lofty religious principles and a dingy reality.
I became slowly, surely, violently depressed. My mother came and I saw a medical doctor. He said, "What is it you want to do?" I said, "Go home." So that's what I did. I dropped out, in disgrace I might add, having "cheated" on my work hours.
I went home and slept for a month. Then I decided to enroll in classes for the spring at the university in my town. Going there versus the other college, I was incredulous. I was also naive. I worked and took classes, and had credit cards.
Limping along toward graduation, I borrowed more and more student loans, went through bout after bout of racking up debt on credit cards, and continued taking and dropping out of classes, determined to graduate but not sure how it was going to happen. I changed to a major I liked, not realizing how screwed I would be if that's all I had to show when I graduated.
Since graduation, my life has been nothing.
I wish my life was a success.
I am sitting here in my room at 1:46 a.m. on a Monday morning. I am picking my face, in my underwear and a tank top. I am rather warm, but don't want to do anything about it.
I stop typing every so often to wipe blood off my face and onto a t-shirt lying next to me.
The t-shirt is, of course, too small and tight, like many of my shirts.
Like the one I have on.
I was supposed to meet my not-yet-officially-ex boyfriend today to go for a walk and hang out.
When I get to his house, we talk for a second. I don't think he really wants to go for a walk, but I don't care. We have fought enough and he has let me down enough for me not to care what he wants.
If he wants it to be over, I am not going to argue.
I want it to be over.
Now all I have to do is tell him.
So here I am, sitting, just finished crying and looking at my bottle of sleeping pills and thinking, I could take a lot of those with vodka and I would probably die.
When I was young, I looked ahead to the time that I would be "old" and thought it would be wonderful. Oddly enough, I didn't picture myself married. I just imagined, I think, that I would be older, but still be on a sunny farm somewhere, or perhaps with a family, but not necessarily with a man. Although when I think about it, if I want to have a family, which I don't think I am yet ready for, I think there should be two parents.
I looked ahead, I thought I would be happy, I thought I would have a home and a family. Of course, I didn't think it through at all.
When I grew old enough to put all these vague ideas into reality, I took a round-about way of doing it.
I went to France right out of high school, living on donations from friends and family, under the guise of doing religious work. At the time I believed it. My family was not impressed with my actions. That's family for you, always supportive.
After being homeschooled, coddled and spoiled and ignored, I went to France. No family, no real supervision, no reality. One bubble to another.
I came back, lived at home again, and went to a community college for 1 year, with things pretty much as they were in hight school. Church often, no dating, no going out, no drinking. These things weren't forbidden me; they simply didn't occur to me. Of course I had crushes on boys, but other than the most innocent excitement of liking someone, I had no sexual desire or even an awareness of the possibility. I didn't like it when people touched me. I'm sure that had something to do with it.
Then I transferred to a college with lofty religious principles and a dingy reality.
I became slowly, surely, violently depressed. My mother came and I saw a medical doctor. He said, "What is it you want to do?" I said, "Go home." So that's what I did. I dropped out, in disgrace I might add, having "cheated" on my work hours.
I went home and slept for a month. Then I decided to enroll in classes for the spring at the university in my town. Going there versus the other college, I was incredulous. I was also naive. I worked and took classes, and had credit cards.
Limping along toward graduation, I borrowed more and more student loans, went through bout after bout of racking up debt on credit cards, and continued taking and dropping out of classes, determined to graduate but not sure how it was going to happen. I changed to a major I liked, not realizing how screwed I would be if that's all I had to show when I graduated.
Since graduation, my life has been nothing.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Tonight I worked more on my personal statement for grad school.
Already it is quite intimidating; it needs to be 600-1000 words I believe, and I have less than 400. And I already feel I have said everything I want, although I don't feel I have said everything I need to.
This is why I hate personal statements.
I feel this enormous pressure to have it be perfect, and if I don't get accepted I will think, "It was my lackluster personal statement. I am just not good enough at writing a compelling personal statement."
I think what I would like to focus my research on is interesting.
(I hope they will too)
I think I would like to research feminism, body image, and eating disorders throughout the history of France.
Maybe all this writing about eating disorders will one day help me with mine.
Truth is, I don't want to change what I eat.
I am happy with what I eat, which is a lot of ice cream.
I am not happy with how often and how much I am hungry, but I am happy with the amount of ice cream I consume every day. Well, I do think it is probably too much, but I am still happy as I am taking another spoonful of it.
I think I have gained a bit of weight, but that is only because some of my clothes are not fitting any more, and in pictures sometimes I think I look fat. Although usually I think I look too thin.
So there you have it.
I hope they will go for my research topic.
I have read other writings on the subject of eating disorders, and they have been of great help to me.
Then I could take classes, learn to teach, become a professor, be proud of what I am doing, and make enough money to pay my own bills and hopefully not be constantly worried about it.
I look around at the people who pass me on the road every day, and at the houses I drive by.
"How do they pay for all that?" I wonder. How is it possible that they have cracked the code and I have not? What does it take that I don't know about to be able to buy things like houses and cars, or at least rent an accommodation and have a car that runs reasonably well? And be able to pay for things like food and insurance and rent and presents for your family and going out and getting a drink once in a while? How has seemingly everyone else figured out how to do this?
I honestly don't know.
I wish I did.
I hope someday it will happen.
I have to believe it will, otherwise, I don't want to go on.
I don't want to be worried every
single
day.
Please, I don't want to.
Please.
Ah well, think about something else.
So I have a renewed excitement to complete the application for grad school.
If I were to get accepted to U of Penn, I think that would be "it" for me. Of course, I have thought that before, about going to France, about graduating..... But I have to believe it will make things much better.
Just think of it, being on the campus in Pennsylvania, it is so beautiful there. It's an Ivy League school, so I would be so thrilled and taken aback. I really can't imagine, but I can dare to hope, I think.
Walking the campus in tweeds in the fall, with my books, the sun is gently falling through the leaves...
I would be teaching I think from the moment I arrive, another dream come true.
Oh, I hope and pray it is so.
Please, God.
Please let me work at something that I care about and that I believe I can contribute to.
Is that too much to ask?
I don't think it is in principle, but I have yet to see it played out in my life like that, at least after I graduated.
Being in school was difficult, but it was also heavenly.
To be able to study what I love, be surrounded by people who are studying the same thing, discussing it, it was wonderful.
I didn't know how wonderful it was, really, of course, until it was no more.
Then this semester, I had the opportunity to go back to school, but I didn't make it to a single class.
I would walk to campus, and then feel I should walk some more. So I did. Then I walked back home, went to work out.
Finally I just gave up the effort and simply worked out every day.
I would study, sometimes, in the evening.
It's nice to have enough time to "care for" my compulsions, but I believe it would be better if I had commitments I had to keep, such as work.
I am hoping I will have a job soon.
I kind of need one.
It would allow me to be free of J.
I am free of him already, but money is a huge worry.
I pray I won't need to worry about it soon.
Please, God.
I should be able to find a job in a month.
Right?
I am intelligent, well-spoken and -written, very attentive to detail, easy to get along with... I would think I have many desirable qualities for an employer.
Please, God!
Thank you :)
Well, my brain is growing tired.
Till next time.
Already it is quite intimidating; it needs to be 600-1000 words I believe, and I have less than 400. And I already feel I have said everything I want, although I don't feel I have said everything I need to.
This is why I hate personal statements.
I feel this enormous pressure to have it be perfect, and if I don't get accepted I will think, "It was my lackluster personal statement. I am just not good enough at writing a compelling personal statement."
I think what I would like to focus my research on is interesting.
(I hope they will too)
I think I would like to research feminism, body image, and eating disorders throughout the history of France.
Maybe all this writing about eating disorders will one day help me with mine.
Truth is, I don't want to change what I eat.
I am happy with what I eat, which is a lot of ice cream.
I am not happy with how often and how much I am hungry, but I am happy with the amount of ice cream I consume every day. Well, I do think it is probably too much, but I am still happy as I am taking another spoonful of it.
I think I have gained a bit of weight, but that is only because some of my clothes are not fitting any more, and in pictures sometimes I think I look fat. Although usually I think I look too thin.
So there you have it.
I hope they will go for my research topic.
I have read other writings on the subject of eating disorders, and they have been of great help to me.
Then I could take classes, learn to teach, become a professor, be proud of what I am doing, and make enough money to pay my own bills and hopefully not be constantly worried about it.
I look around at the people who pass me on the road every day, and at the houses I drive by.
"How do they pay for all that?" I wonder. How is it possible that they have cracked the code and I have not? What does it take that I don't know about to be able to buy things like houses and cars, or at least rent an accommodation and have a car that runs reasonably well? And be able to pay for things like food and insurance and rent and presents for your family and going out and getting a drink once in a while? How has seemingly everyone else figured out how to do this?
I honestly don't know.
I wish I did.
I hope someday it will happen.
I have to believe it will, otherwise, I don't want to go on.
I don't want to be worried every
single
day.
Please, I don't want to.
Please.
Ah well, think about something else.
So I have a renewed excitement to complete the application for grad school.
If I were to get accepted to U of Penn, I think that would be "it" for me. Of course, I have thought that before, about going to France, about graduating..... But I have to believe it will make things much better.
Just think of it, being on the campus in Pennsylvania, it is so beautiful there. It's an Ivy League school, so I would be so thrilled and taken aback. I really can't imagine, but I can dare to hope, I think.
Walking the campus in tweeds in the fall, with my books, the sun is gently falling through the leaves...
I would be teaching I think from the moment I arrive, another dream come true.
Oh, I hope and pray it is so.
Please, God.
Please let me work at something that I care about and that I believe I can contribute to.
Is that too much to ask?
I don't think it is in principle, but I have yet to see it played out in my life like that, at least after I graduated.
Being in school was difficult, but it was also heavenly.
To be able to study what I love, be surrounded by people who are studying the same thing, discussing it, it was wonderful.
I didn't know how wonderful it was, really, of course, until it was no more.
Then this semester, I had the opportunity to go back to school, but I didn't make it to a single class.
I would walk to campus, and then feel I should walk some more. So I did. Then I walked back home, went to work out.
Finally I just gave up the effort and simply worked out every day.
I would study, sometimes, in the evening.
It's nice to have enough time to "care for" my compulsions, but I believe it would be better if I had commitments I had to keep, such as work.
I am hoping I will have a job soon.
I kind of need one.
It would allow me to be free of J.
I am free of him already, but money is a huge worry.
I pray I won't need to worry about it soon.
Please, God.
I should be able to find a job in a month.
Right?
I am intelligent, well-spoken and -written, very attentive to detail, easy to get along with... I would think I have many desirable qualities for an employer.
Please, God!
Thank you :)
Well, my brain is growing tired.
Till next time.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Well, I am no longer tightly wound :)
I am, however, sitting here with the need to do more job-searching.
Fuck.
I keep hoping to hear back from Wheatfields. I should sometime this week.
In the meantime, I need to keep looking.
I walked around today.
I love the neighborhood in which I was.
I thought, "I wonder if I will ever have a job I like, with which I can make enough money to have a home and a dependable car." Odds are probably in favor, but we will see.
I will hope, if I dare.
I should look for jobs right now, but I would rather write.
Ah, if that were my job.......
I confess I don't feel as much of a need to write, since I am happy right now in my personal life.
If only the person with whom I am happy could support me financially while we are together and I could write and look for work and not worry.
I know he wants to, but right now, he cannot.
Maybe someday.
Of course, I want to support myself too, and have enough money so that we both can have nice things and enjoy each other.
If only I did not have to be sad to seem to want to write.
I will give it a try.
Emptiness.
I love it.
Something did fill me
Perfectly.
Beautifully
Wonderfully
I think of it
And I am full.
And yet I still want to be filled
Again
and Again
Always.
But yet not always
Just
Enough.
When something fills you perfectly
It is a sensation
That you do not
Forget.
It doesn't happen
That often
So
One
Remembers
and thinks of it
and treasures it
over
and
over.
If only
my mind
could be as filled
as my body is
sometimes.
Now
I am less restless
in my mind
than
I often
am.
And yet
it is still there
a vague
dissatisfaction.
I treasure it
even while
I hate it.
If I am ever completely
happy and content
I won't
know
how
to
behave
or feel
or think.
I hope I am never
fully
satisfied.
I want to remain
driven
to continue
to want.
However
it is nice
to be filled up
with
a big
perfect
cock
every now
and again.
I am looking
forward
to being like that
tonight.
It doesn't answer everything
But it does
take off
a bit of
.
With that
and something else
like
thought
and
action,
I think
I will
eventually
figure
something out.
I am, however, sitting here with the need to do more job-searching.
Fuck.
I keep hoping to hear back from Wheatfields. I should sometime this week.
In the meantime, I need to keep looking.
I walked around today.
I love the neighborhood in which I was.
I thought, "I wonder if I will ever have a job I like, with which I can make enough money to have a home and a dependable car." Odds are probably in favor, but we will see.
I will hope, if I dare.
I should look for jobs right now, but I would rather write.
Ah, if that were my job.......
I confess I don't feel as much of a need to write, since I am happy right now in my personal life.
If only the person with whom I am happy could support me financially while we are together and I could write and look for work and not worry.
I know he wants to, but right now, he cannot.
Maybe someday.
Of course, I want to support myself too, and have enough money so that we both can have nice things and enjoy each other.
If only I did not have to be sad to seem to want to write.
I will give it a try.
Emptiness.
I love it.
Something did fill me
Perfectly.
Beautifully
Wonderfully
I think of it
And I am full.
And yet I still want to be filled
Again
and Again
Always.
But yet not always
Just
Enough.
When something fills you perfectly
It is a sensation
That you do not
Forget.
It doesn't happen
That often
So
One
Remembers
and thinks of it
and treasures it
over
and
over.
If only
my mind
could be as filled
as my body is
sometimes.
Now
I am less restless
in my mind
than
I often
am.
And yet
it is still there
a vague
dissatisfaction.
I treasure it
even while
I hate it.
If I am ever completely
happy and content
I won't
know
how
to
behave
or feel
or think.
I hope I am never
fully
satisfied.
I want to remain
driven
to continue
to want.
However
it is nice
to be filled up
with
a big
perfect
cock
every now
and again.
I am looking
forward
to being like that
tonight.
It doesn't answer everything
But it does
take off
a bit of
.
With that
and something else
like
thought
and
action,
I think
I will
eventually
figure
something out.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
I am tightly wound.
I want to be wound around
and around
and around.
I want to be filled up
So full
So complete
If only for
A little while.
I don't want it to last forever
But to come and go
And come back again.
I don't want to be left
For it to never come
Again.
But right now
I would take
Just a moment
Just a minute
Just a while
And I would be
Okay for now.
I want to be filled up
Completed
To have something
That would fit in me
Perfectly.
I am tight
My mind
My legs
My eyes
My stomach.
I want to look at someone
Emotionless
Just look
Not talk
Just stare
Get closer
And then not look
Anymore.
Close my eyes.
When I am with someone
Do you think
My stomach
Will
No
Longer
Be
Tight
?
I want to be wound around
and around
and around.
I want to be filled up
So full
So complete
If only for
A little while.
I don't want it to last forever
But to come and go
And come back again.
I don't want to be left
For it to never come
Again.
But right now
I would take
Just a moment
Just a minute
Just a while
And I would be
Okay for now.
I want to be filled up
Completed
To have something
That would fit in me
Perfectly.
I am tight
My mind
My legs
My eyes
My stomach.
I want to look at someone
Emotionless
Just look
Not talk
Just stare
Get closer
And then not look
Anymore.
Close my eyes.
When I am with someone
Do you think
My stomach
Will
No
Longer
Be
Tight
?
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
It seems like I always want to cry.
I don't really know why it happens so often.
It's unusual for a day to go by when I don't.
It could be the coffee.
It could be a lot of things.
I think it is.
I had a date last night.
It was fun, but I don't think I'm really attracted to him.
I hope I will meet someone that I am attracted to when I am ready to be physical again.
Of course, it's kind of nice not being.
But sometime I want to be near someone.
Like when I fall asleep.
Of course, me wanting to cry all of the time is kind of a turn off, for myself, not to mention someone else.
My ex still wants to hang out, and sometimes I do as well.
He pretty much fucked up my life even more.
I had an interview today at Wheatfields. I really hope I get it. It would be nice to disappear into work. And I love baking. It's therapeutic. And maybe I would gain weight. Or at least eat more.
Right now I am drinking coffee and waiting to have enough energy to go and work out.
It's my drug.
I don't want to think that I will ever be happy.
If I don't think that, then I won't be disappointed.
It's a mystery to me how I can be so sad and also horny.
I probably just want to feel better in some way.
I can't think of anyone that I want to be with right now tho.
Well, I have a date on Saturday. I hope I will be attracted to him. He manages thrift stores, so I think I will like talking to him. If things work out, we can look at clothes together, and maybe I could even work there! It could be awkward I guess if I am dating him. But maybe if we got good and secure then we would make a good team. Who knows. I really hope he is cute. He is a great writer. And he studied languages. I really like talking to him so far.
The guy last night was really nice, but there wasn't a spark, in my mind at least. He is shorter than me, and maybe I would be more attracted to him if he lost some weight.
I know his roommate, and actually I am attracted to him more. He told me he was a few months ago, but when I suggested we hang out, he did not take it well. Of course, I was getting ready to leave for a few months. Now I would like to hang out with him, but I don't know if it will work out. Esp. now that I have gone on a date w/ his roommate and I think he is interested in me.
He paid for everything; I felt bad, since I am not really attracted to him, but he said he wanted to.
I felt pretty comfortable with him as a friend, and he said he would be ok just being friends. We'll see.
There was someone else who was interested in me, but he was too forward and it freaked me out. So I am not going to see him.
Today I will go work out, and then probably hang out with my ex.
The apartment that we regrettably got together, I signed the lease of course, since of course his credit is shot. So now I am stuck with the consequences.
Fuck him.
Well, guess I'll go for now.
I really hope I feel better.
I don't really know why it happens so often.
It's unusual for a day to go by when I don't.
It could be the coffee.
It could be a lot of things.
I think it is.
I had a date last night.
It was fun, but I don't think I'm really attracted to him.
I hope I will meet someone that I am attracted to when I am ready to be physical again.
Of course, it's kind of nice not being.
But sometime I want to be near someone.
Like when I fall asleep.
Of course, me wanting to cry all of the time is kind of a turn off, for myself, not to mention someone else.
My ex still wants to hang out, and sometimes I do as well.
He pretty much fucked up my life even more.
I had an interview today at Wheatfields. I really hope I get it. It would be nice to disappear into work. And I love baking. It's therapeutic. And maybe I would gain weight. Or at least eat more.
Right now I am drinking coffee and waiting to have enough energy to go and work out.
It's my drug.
I don't want to think that I will ever be happy.
If I don't think that, then I won't be disappointed.
It's a mystery to me how I can be so sad and also horny.
I probably just want to feel better in some way.
I can't think of anyone that I want to be with right now tho.
Well, I have a date on Saturday. I hope I will be attracted to him. He manages thrift stores, so I think I will like talking to him. If things work out, we can look at clothes together, and maybe I could even work there! It could be awkward I guess if I am dating him. But maybe if we got good and secure then we would make a good team. Who knows. I really hope he is cute. He is a great writer. And he studied languages. I really like talking to him so far.
The guy last night was really nice, but there wasn't a spark, in my mind at least. He is shorter than me, and maybe I would be more attracted to him if he lost some weight.
I know his roommate, and actually I am attracted to him more. He told me he was a few months ago, but when I suggested we hang out, he did not take it well. Of course, I was getting ready to leave for a few months. Now I would like to hang out with him, but I don't know if it will work out. Esp. now that I have gone on a date w/ his roommate and I think he is interested in me.
He paid for everything; I felt bad, since I am not really attracted to him, but he said he wanted to.
I felt pretty comfortable with him as a friend, and he said he would be ok just being friends. We'll see.
There was someone else who was interested in me, but he was too forward and it freaked me out. So I am not going to see him.
Today I will go work out, and then probably hang out with my ex.
The apartment that we regrettably got together, I signed the lease of course, since of course his credit is shot. So now I am stuck with the consequences.
Fuck him.
Well, guess I'll go for now.
I really hope I feel better.
I'm supposed to meet my therapist today.
I am exhausted from being hungry all the time.
And I took a sleeping pill last night.
But I have an interview tomorrow at Wheatfields!!!!!
If I get the job, I will have to get up by 3 am on weekends, and 4 am on weekdays.
I will have Thursdays and Fridays off.
I hope I get it!
I love baking.
I am exhausted from being hungry all the time.
And I took a sleeping pill last night.
But I have an interview tomorrow at Wheatfields!!!!!
If I get the job, I will have to get up by 3 am on weekends, and 4 am on weekdays.
I will have Thursdays and Fridays off.
I hope I get it!
I love baking.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I sit so often at the kitchen table
hungry but not eating.
Trying to concentrate on anything besides my hunger.
I think if I am able to write
enough about my experiences
with deprivation
self-deprivation
I will try to publish a book.
Then maybe something will come out of all this.
Then maybe another girl
or boy
will read it
and identify
and maybe it will help.
Writing helps me
and reading others' contributions.
We will see.
Hunger is a familiar comforting thing.
I have grown to love it
It is a part of me.
I deal with not eating
By not eating.
I am doing better than a few months ago.
But that's about it.
If I were to be sitting here
Full
Fleshy
I don't know what I would do.
I can't think about it too much
Without a knife
A tinge
A thrill
of Horror.
So that's why
That will perhaps
Never happen.
But I hope someday it will.
I will sit
Doing nothing
Except being happy
With myself.
I will have flesh
I will be soft
And finally
Happy.
My mind
will be quiet.
I can no longer write right now.
Because the thought of that
Makes me emotional.
Someday it will happen.
Until then
I continue
To hold on
To what comforts me.
Now I think I will leave this page.
For now.
And apply
for a job
funnily enough
in a restaurant.
I hope I get it.
It will be early.
And there will be food.
hungry but not eating.
Trying to concentrate on anything besides my hunger.
I think if I am able to write
enough about my experiences
with deprivation
self-deprivation
I will try to publish a book.
Then maybe something will come out of all this.
Then maybe another girl
or boy
will read it
and identify
and maybe it will help.
Writing helps me
and reading others' contributions.
We will see.
Hunger is a familiar comforting thing.
I have grown to love it
It is a part of me.
I deal with not eating
By not eating.
I am doing better than a few months ago.
But that's about it.
If I were to be sitting here
Full
Fleshy
I don't know what I would do.
I can't think about it too much
Without a knife
A tinge
A thrill
of Horror.
So that's why
That will perhaps
Never happen.
But I hope someday it will.
I will sit
Doing nothing
Except being happy
With myself.
I will have flesh
I will be soft
And finally
Happy.
My mind
will be quiet.
I can no longer write right now.
Because the thought of that
Makes me emotional.
Someday it will happen.
Until then
I continue
To hold on
To what comforts me.
Now I think I will leave this page.
For now.
And apply
for a job
funnily enough
in a restaurant.
I hope I get it.
It will be early.
And there will be food.
Monday, May 16, 2011
I like looking through the fog.
I think if I were to feel normal
I would wonder what was wrong.
I like staring
Feeling nothing
Wishing I was thinking nothing.
Hard to believe
I am not an addict.
Once I was with a boy.
He was into heroin.
I was not.
But if I could go to an opium den
I think I would.
Sitting
Lying
Red
Smoke
Silk
Quiet.
They say taking heroin
is better than orgasm.
I wouldn't know.
I wouldn't be surprised.
I have always thought
Orgasms are overrated.
Maybe I haven't really had one?
Yeah, when it's happening, it's great.
But it lasts for not that long.
And to base the rest of your time
thinking about it and wishing
you were having one
right then
well that's just a waste of time.
I have often thought
if I were alone
and never had sex again
I don't feel
like
I
would
miss out on that much.
Of course
I'm not really going to do that
At least I don't think so.
Of course, I am not having sex
right now.
I mean,
I am not currently
in a relationship
in which
I
have
sex.
I
must confess
I wish I were.
I think if I were to feel normal
I would wonder what was wrong.
I like staring
Feeling nothing
Wishing I was thinking nothing.
Hard to believe
I am not an addict.
Once I was with a boy.
He was into heroin.
I was not.
But if I could go to an opium den
I think I would.
Sitting
Lying
Red
Smoke
Silk
Quiet.
They say taking heroin
is better than orgasm.
I wouldn't know.
I wouldn't be surprised.
I have always thought
Orgasms are overrated.
Maybe I haven't really had one?
Yeah, when it's happening, it's great.
But it lasts for not that long.
And to base the rest of your time
thinking about it and wishing
you were having one
right then
well that's just a waste of time.
I have often thought
if I were alone
and never had sex again
I don't feel
like
I
would
miss out on that much.
Of course
I'm not really going to do that
At least I don't think so.
Of course, I am not having sex
right now.
I mean,
I am not currently
in a relationship
in which
I
have
sex.
I
must confess
I wish I were.
It's funny, I definitely feel less of a compunction to write when I am happier.
Thus, I don't always necessarily want to be happier.
Of course, I probably don't need to worry about that.
Another night sitting with my computer
Quiet.
It's nice.
Not all the time, but sometimes.
Now.
My ex is sleeping in my room.
I am on the couch in the living room.
Not sleeping.
We took a nap together.
It was nice, but I think I am not really attracted to him any more.
Tomorrow I will ride bikes with Aaron.
I think.
I was supposed to meet Rod today, but it didn't work out.
I am kind of glad.
He is desperate.
Not attractive.
I really can't wait to meet atheist.
What a name.
I wonder if he really is.
I can't wait!
He manages thrift stores I guess.
In KC.
I would love to work there!
Of course not likely if we date.
But maybe!
He also studied linguistics.
Kind of like what I want to do!
Sometimes I think this whole going to grad school thing and getting a doctorate and becoming a professor of French is just a pipe dream.
I guess it could be if it doesn't work out.
But I like to think it will work out!
I have to.
If I want it to.
Of course, I could also be published.
Ha!!!!!
:)
Well, sitting here a bit hungry again.
Thus, I don't always necessarily want to be happier.
Of course, I probably don't need to worry about that.
Another night sitting with my computer
Quiet.
It's nice.
Not all the time, but sometimes.
Now.
My ex is sleeping in my room.
I am on the couch in the living room.
Not sleeping.
We took a nap together.
It was nice, but I think I am not really attracted to him any more.
Tomorrow I will ride bikes with Aaron.
I think.
I was supposed to meet Rod today, but it didn't work out.
I am kind of glad.
He is desperate.
Not attractive.
I really can't wait to meet atheist.
What a name.
I wonder if he really is.
I can't wait!
He manages thrift stores I guess.
In KC.
I would love to work there!
Of course not likely if we date.
But maybe!
He also studied linguistics.
Kind of like what I want to do!
Sometimes I think this whole going to grad school thing and getting a doctorate and becoming a professor of French is just a pipe dream.
I guess it could be if it doesn't work out.
But I like to think it will work out!
I have to.
If I want it to.
Of course, I could also be published.
Ha!!!!!
:)
Well, sitting here a bit hungry again.
I am sitting here in a caffeine-induced haze. I have just finished applying for some jobs.
Hopefully I get one; then I won't be such a drain on myself.
:p
I have just texted my ex.
We have been hanging out.
Of course, as soon as we broke up and I had some time to myself, I have started to get horny again.
It is nice to feel somewhat more alive in that way.
Of course, it might be nice to sleep with someone other than my ex.
But we'll see what happens.
I have been to his new place.
I really like it.
I have also sent him some of my poems, and I think he likes them
Of course, not the one about the other guy.
I like that one, but it is quite personal and graphic.
Probably only good if strangers read that one.
I keep thinking that something will eventually happen.
That I'll get a job and it will magically catapult me into productivity.
Of course, that has not always helped before.
Inactivity.
Is not always what it seems.
Many people think if a person is just sitting there
They are doing nothing.
But in my estimation
Many people who are moving around
Talking
Eating
Walking
Are doing nothing
Or worse than nothing.
Because their absolutely worthless
viewpoints
Are allowed
to poison
things.
Detestable.
so anybody reading this feel free to criticize.
Hopefully I get one; then I won't be such a drain on myself.
:p
I have just texted my ex.
We have been hanging out.
Of course, as soon as we broke up and I had some time to myself, I have started to get horny again.
It is nice to feel somewhat more alive in that way.
Of course, it might be nice to sleep with someone other than my ex.
But we'll see what happens.
I have been to his new place.
I really like it.
I have also sent him some of my poems, and I think he likes them
Of course, not the one about the other guy.
I like that one, but it is quite personal and graphic.
Probably only good if strangers read that one.
I keep thinking that something will eventually happen.
That I'll get a job and it will magically catapult me into productivity.
Of course, that has not always helped before.
Inactivity.
Is not always what it seems.
Many people think if a person is just sitting there
They are doing nothing.
But in my estimation
Many people who are moving around
Talking
Eating
Walking
Are doing nothing
Or worse than nothing.
Because their absolutely worthless
viewpoints
Are allowed
to poison
things.
Detestable.
so anybody reading this feel free to criticize.
I was with a boy.
I did not like him.
But I think he liked me.
I was not myself with him
At all.
He always wanted me to go down.
Normally with guys I never go down.
I hate it.
And with guys, I do not do things that I hate.
They're not worth it.
But with him
I cared about myself so little
Not because of him
Just because of myself.
So I went down.
Normally if I go down on a guy
It is only because
He has gone down on me
many times.
And he is quite good at it.
And I feel like I have to
Or I want to
Just because I care about him
And he has done it for me.
But with this guy
I just didn't care.
Now
I look back on the time we were together
And there is a lot to analyze.
We went to the lake
We drank on the way there
In the car.
He was driving.
We drank a lot
That is why we were together as long as we were.
Which was less than a month
Thankfully.
We fucked in the car
Going 60 miles an hour
It was such a great rush
I was naked
On top of him
It was so much fun.
Even though he sucked in bed
And that was ostensibly the only reason we were hanging out anyway
To have fun before I left
Fucking in that car
Going 60
Passing people
Me on top
Fucking away
That is a good memory.
I met someone else
1 week before I was to leave.
I had already stopped seeing him
I think.
But he was mad.
I didn't care
Just like the rest of our "relationship".
How funny is it
That the guy I cared about least
I went down on the most.
We cooked together.
That was the only other good thing
In all the time we spent together.
Ironically also
I think he was the first guy to notice
I had an eating disorder.
Because we cooked so often together.
He would say "pick this up from the store"
"Come over"
"Let's grill."
I would say, "ok"
Because I like to cook.
But I don't always eat.
We would prepare something fabulous
And I would get hungry before it was ready
And I would eat ice cream
And that was it.
He hated that.
So I liked it.
I did not like him.
But I think he liked me.
I was not myself with him
At all.
He always wanted me to go down.
Normally with guys I never go down.
I hate it.
And with guys, I do not do things that I hate.
They're not worth it.
But with him
I cared about myself so little
Not because of him
Just because of myself.
So I went down.
Normally if I go down on a guy
It is only because
He has gone down on me
many times.
And he is quite good at it.
And I feel like I have to
Or I want to
Just because I care about him
And he has done it for me.
But with this guy
I just didn't care.
Now
I look back on the time we were together
And there is a lot to analyze.
We went to the lake
We drank on the way there
In the car.
He was driving.
We drank a lot
That is why we were together as long as we were.
Which was less than a month
Thankfully.
We fucked in the car
Going 60 miles an hour
It was such a great rush
I was naked
On top of him
It was so much fun.
Even though he sucked in bed
And that was ostensibly the only reason we were hanging out anyway
To have fun before I left
Fucking in that car
Going 60
Passing people
Me on top
Fucking away
That is a good memory.
I met someone else
1 week before I was to leave.
I had already stopped seeing him
I think.
But he was mad.
I didn't care
Just like the rest of our "relationship".
How funny is it
That the guy I cared about least
I went down on the most.
We cooked together.
That was the only other good thing
In all the time we spent together.
Ironically also
I think he was the first guy to notice
I had an eating disorder.
Because we cooked so often together.
He would say "pick this up from the store"
"Come over"
"Let's grill."
I would say, "ok"
Because I like to cook.
But I don't always eat.
We would prepare something fabulous
And I would get hungry before it was ready
And I would eat ice cream
And that was it.
He hated that.
So I liked it.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
I love the outlet that the poem has provided me.
After I wrote the first one, I was very sad.
But after the second one, I felt so much lighter.
As you know, I have a problem.
I am working on it.
But I figured, I can use it just like any other subject to write about.
And if it helps anyone else too that much the better.
I don't know if I will have enough for a book, but if so, it could be something about what I am going through dealing with this, and maybe it will help someone else.
I don't want anyone else to go through this.
After I read Bukowski, I saw how he just wrote about trips to the store or to the track or not being able to sleep.
Just what he was going through every day.
I can do that.
Whether it is good technically or not, well, I don't really care.
Honestly, the way I write sometimes reminds me of poetry anyway.
You know, the pauses, the punctuation, the rhythm, where I put the sentences and the spaces....
Just like that.
Just like this.
See, I can't stop.
Ha!
Well, I might take a break for now.
It's kind of addictive though.
My ex wanted me to start writing poetry a while ago.
But I didn't want to force it.
But after reading Bukowski, well, here I am!
I love it.
And I love little these days.
Till next time....
After I wrote the first one, I was very sad.
But after the second one, I felt so much lighter.
As you know, I have a problem.
I am working on it.
But I figured, I can use it just like any other subject to write about.
And if it helps anyone else too that much the better.
I don't know if I will have enough for a book, but if so, it could be something about what I am going through dealing with this, and maybe it will help someone else.
I don't want anyone else to go through this.
After I read Bukowski, I saw how he just wrote about trips to the store or to the track or not being able to sleep.
Just what he was going through every day.
I can do that.
Whether it is good technically or not, well, I don't really care.
Honestly, the way I write sometimes reminds me of poetry anyway.
You know, the pauses, the punctuation, the rhythm, where I put the sentences and the spaces....
Just like that.
Just like this.
See, I can't stop.
Ha!
Well, I might take a break for now.
It's kind of addictive though.
My ex wanted me to start writing poetry a while ago.
But I didn't want to force it.
But after reading Bukowski, well, here I am!
I love it.
And I love little these days.
Till next time....
I have been reading Charles Bukowski. He is brilliant.
It makes me want to try to write.
Here goes.
So many times I sit and look.
Into nothing.
Into space.
I like looking out, looking at nothing
all the while looking in
looking at nothing.
I look through a fog
of caffeine.
of alcohol.
of self-indulgence.
My self-hatred completes me
When nothing else does.
It comforts me.
I look out of my windows.
It is green and gray.
I admire the green.
It is too cheerful, though.
I love the gray.
It fills me up.
It makes me warm.
And cold.
It makes me want to try to write.
Here goes.
So many times I sit and look.
Into nothing.
Into space.
I like looking out, looking at nothing
all the while looking in
looking at nothing.
I look through a fog
of caffeine.
of alcohol.
of self-indulgence.
My self-hatred completes me
When nothing else does.
It comforts me.
I look out of my windows.
It is green and gray.
I admire the green.
It is too cheerful, though.
I love the gray.
It fills me up.
It makes me warm.
And cold.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
new
I would like to start doing something constructive with my time.
Right now I am pretending to go to class as "the thing that I do with my time to be productive".
I haven't attended class for one day this semester.
It's because of my eating disorder.
I am getting that under control, I hope.
Also, things are getting better with my family.
I am happy about that.
I have a lot of time, however, when I am not working out.
I fill it with sleeping, eating sometimes, watching things, things like that.
Nothing incredibly productive.
I have enrolled in fashion classes for next fall.
I am so excited about that!
I cannot wait.
And I have enrolled for the summer in a German class; I hope I can take it. I'm afraid I might have problems with my financial aid for the summer.
But if it works out, I will be taking that class during the month of June.
It is early in the morning, which will be wonderful, since I will have to get up early and will not be able to go out as much.
Last night, I went out, and met a wonderful girl who was so nice and fun to talk to.
It was perfect, because I was just thinking that I would like to meet another girl or girls and gay guy(s) who would like to hang out and go out as much as me, just people I could hang out with who are not interested in me sexually. I don't want to hang out with anyone who wants to be with me physically right now, because I just broke up w/ my bf, and I just want some time to talk to people and get to know people in a platonic way.
So it was great to meet her. She was so much fun to talk to, and it was just so great to have girl time.
I think she will come hang out with me and my friends on Friday!
We always go out for a girls' night, and I think everyone will get along so well!
I'm excited :)
And I think she goes out as much as I do right now, so maybe I won't have to go out by myself so much!
Well, anyway, back to using my time constructively.....
As you can probably see, it's not something I always do :/
But hopefully soon!
A lot of times I just sit and think.
Which is good, I think, as long as I don't let my thoughts get me down.
Last night, I was tired of looking at the computer screen, so I just sat with a drink and tried to relax. I was sad, though, because of the end of a relationship that I really hoped would be good. It was good, in many ways, but it was also not the best for either one of us in many ways.
So I am glad it is over.
But it is hard to remember the good times right now, because part of me just wishes things could still be good.
Anyway, so I was just sitting there thinking and drinking.
Which I think was cleansing, but it is also hard.
It's even hard to write about it.
So I will move on for now.
I hate being so emotional right now.
Anyway.
So one way I would like to use this blog is to design and make clothes, and then write about it.
I am hoping to get some material very soon.
I looked at a website yesterday, Paper Crowns, and I was so inspired to get some material and make something beautiful and flowy and light, like a breeze resting on a person.
It is hard to find good material here, but I think some night I will just have the time and the energy (that is what I am waiting on, I think, the energy, which is also hard because of my eating disorder, but I know it will happen.) So some night I will get the urge and have to go to Wal-Mart, because it will be the only thing open, and I will get some plain, but light, material, and make something beautiful.
I cannot wait.
Well, I should go for now, and attempt to eventually do something productive today.
I think I will go to church as well.
At 7. I am excited to see my friends.
They are wonderful.
Well, if you read this and want to, let me know, leave a comment, criticize, anything. I criticize myself enough, and it is like a pain that I like when other people do as well.
Right now I am pretending to go to class as "the thing that I do with my time to be productive".
I haven't attended class for one day this semester.
It's because of my eating disorder.
I am getting that under control, I hope.
Also, things are getting better with my family.
I am happy about that.
I have a lot of time, however, when I am not working out.
I fill it with sleeping, eating sometimes, watching things, things like that.
Nothing incredibly productive.
I have enrolled in fashion classes for next fall.
I am so excited about that!
I cannot wait.
And I have enrolled for the summer in a German class; I hope I can take it. I'm afraid I might have problems with my financial aid for the summer.
But if it works out, I will be taking that class during the month of June.
It is early in the morning, which will be wonderful, since I will have to get up early and will not be able to go out as much.
Last night, I went out, and met a wonderful girl who was so nice and fun to talk to.
It was perfect, because I was just thinking that I would like to meet another girl or girls and gay guy(s) who would like to hang out and go out as much as me, just people I could hang out with who are not interested in me sexually. I don't want to hang out with anyone who wants to be with me physically right now, because I just broke up w/ my bf, and I just want some time to talk to people and get to know people in a platonic way.
So it was great to meet her. She was so much fun to talk to, and it was just so great to have girl time.
I think she will come hang out with me and my friends on Friday!
We always go out for a girls' night, and I think everyone will get along so well!
I'm excited :)
And I think she goes out as much as I do right now, so maybe I won't have to go out by myself so much!
Well, anyway, back to using my time constructively.....
As you can probably see, it's not something I always do :/
But hopefully soon!
A lot of times I just sit and think.
Which is good, I think, as long as I don't let my thoughts get me down.
Last night, I was tired of looking at the computer screen, so I just sat with a drink and tried to relax. I was sad, though, because of the end of a relationship that I really hoped would be good. It was good, in many ways, but it was also not the best for either one of us in many ways.
So I am glad it is over.
But it is hard to remember the good times right now, because part of me just wishes things could still be good.
Anyway, so I was just sitting there thinking and drinking.
Which I think was cleansing, but it is also hard.
It's even hard to write about it.
So I will move on for now.
I hate being so emotional right now.
Anyway.
So one way I would like to use this blog is to design and make clothes, and then write about it.
I am hoping to get some material very soon.
I looked at a website yesterday, Paper Crowns, and I was so inspired to get some material and make something beautiful and flowy and light, like a breeze resting on a person.
It is hard to find good material here, but I think some night I will just have the time and the energy (that is what I am waiting on, I think, the energy, which is also hard because of my eating disorder, but I know it will happen.) So some night I will get the urge and have to go to Wal-Mart, because it will be the only thing open, and I will get some plain, but light, material, and make something beautiful.
I cannot wait.
Well, I should go for now, and attempt to eventually do something productive today.
I think I will go to church as well.
At 7. I am excited to see my friends.
They are wonderful.
Well, if you read this and want to, let me know, leave a comment, criticize, anything. I criticize myself enough, and it is like a pain that I like when other people do as well.
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