well, things have not improved since yesterday's post.
perhaps professionally they have.
but personally they have not.
unfortunately it has to do with my boyfriend.
if i ever get the chance and am brave enough to do it, i will be alone.
i have been alone before, and while not happy, as I rarely am happy, i was usually more happy, i feel.
so, maybe someday i will do that again.
unfortunately, we live together, and so for now i feel a bit stuck.
well, i will talk about something else.
professionally, i am getting excited.  i have looked into fashion design as a major, and i would love it if i were able to do that.  i will know in a few days, i hope, if that is a possibility.
i know that i could design and make things on my own right now.
perhaps I will do that when i am done with this post.
i think, dealing with depression, and an eating disorder, my days consist of feeling too worn out to do much of anything.  living is exhausting.
this post is just going to be not happy, i'm afraid.
well, tomorrow i am getting together with a friend and we are going to make dinner.
hopefully i will eat something.

i have also often thought recently that if i am alone at some point in my life and there is a woman that i am interested in, i would like to give that a try.

although being a woman, i know some of the things about myself that i do not like that i would not want to deal with in someone else.

so i don't know.

maybe if i met someone with whom i could just spend time, that would be nice.

i really think that if i just had a roommate with whom i could hang out at times, and with whom i enjoyed spending time, i would be more happy that if i were in a romantic relationship.  if i just had someone i could talk to about things that were important to me and to them, that would be wonderful.  right now at this point i really don't think that i desire to be with anyone in a physical way.

i don't consider myself to be asexual, but it is true that when i am in a relationship, i notice that i desire physical contact much less than after i have been single for some time.

perhaps as i get older my desires will diminish even more?

or perhaps it is due to my depression?

also, i think that struggling with an eating disorder has increased my self-hatred, and so when i am intimate with someone, i also think about how much i despise myself, and it takes away from our enjoyment of each other.

well, this is just all sunshine, isn't it.

last night, i was able to get out of the house.  i went to a favorite bar just to have a drink.  i knew the bartender so we talked a bit.  i thought it was ironic; he had been working all day and was tired.  there was a band, who turned out to be good, but as they were warming up, it was rather grating.  he came over to me with a knife from behind the bar, and jokingly held out his wrists.  i laughed, but i know he does not know how many times i have wanted to do that to myself.  even now.

after i had some to drink, i went closer to the band, and danced a bit.  thankfully, some of my friends were there.  there was a guy that i think likes me, even though he has a girlfriend.  he is nice, but i am not attracted to him.

his friend was very attractive though.  it was so much fun hanging out with them.

then, when we were at the bar outside, an off-duty bartender was there, whom i have had a crush on for many years.

we talked.

i have been living over the memory of our conversation all day today.

i was drunk, and i think at some points i was a bit too honest.

but i enjoyed talking to him.

in some ways, we think alike.

i only hope we can talk again.

well, i will go for now.

even as i am so sad, i still have hope because of that.