I have broken up with my boyfriend.
I am relieved.
In other happy news, I had a therapy appointment today with my counselor who I am seeing for various reasons, firstly for my eating disorder, but we also talk about my bad relationship w/ my parents and the rest of my family.  My parents have been wanting to talk to me, so I said, ok, you can come with me to my therapist.  I didn't really want to talk to them, but I did want to tell them why I didn't want to talk to them.  Basically, I just wanted to yell at them, and I figured I could most effectively do that at my therapist's. 
Well, it was emotional and messy and I don't want to do it again.  At least, any time soon.  It was helpful; i think that we understand each other a bit better.  but it will take some, or a lot of, time for me before i maybe want to talk to them again.
My therapist said they should come back in a few weeks.
We'll see.
In other news, I am still trying to figure out what I can do that I can support myself at and yet still be able to do it and not quit because i am depressed and too exhausted from my eating disorder.
Not unreasonable at all, right?
I just thought of this and it made me smile a bit.  Probably because I have a warped sense of humor and right now i am so tired of crying that i use any excuse to laugh.
my ex works at a hotel close to our (unfortunately) shared apt., which is good, cause that's where he's staying.
anyway, i will be moving in w/ one of my friends, i am excited about that.  it will be so nice to have some drama-free girl time.  i realize that might not sound like it makes sense, but with her, she is very matter-of-fact and not too emotional, and most importantly, she is not attracted to me, so we can just be friends, and i can just hang out and talk and if i get upset, i know there is someone who has a good perspective.
yay!!!!!
plus i can help her out w/ bills, and i hope i get a job soon.  it is not too expensive, but i would love to make money!
if you think of it, keep your fingers crossed for me.
if i were a hiring manager, i would hire me in a second!
i'm cute, nice, smart, and i take the things i care about very seriously.  and if the job isn't that important, yet i can make money at it, i care about it!
there is a new bakery that is opening; i hope i get hired there!
all this talk of new employment makes me think i should finish this and start job-hunting right away!
if you do read this and anything strikes you, please say.

well, things have not improved since yesterday's post.
perhaps professionally they have.
but personally they have not.
unfortunately it has to do with my boyfriend.
if i ever get the chance and am brave enough to do it, i will be alone.
i have been alone before, and while not happy, as I rarely am happy, i was usually more happy, i feel.
so, maybe someday i will do that again.
unfortunately, we live together, and so for now i feel a bit stuck.
well, i will talk about something else.
professionally, i am getting excited.  i have looked into fashion design as a major, and i would love it if i were able to do that.  i will know in a few days, i hope, if that is a possibility.
i know that i could design and make things on my own right now.
perhaps I will do that when i am done with this post.
i think, dealing with depression, and an eating disorder, my days consist of feeling too worn out to do much of anything.  living is exhausting.
this post is just going to be not happy, i'm afraid.
well, tomorrow i am getting together with a friend and we are going to make dinner.
hopefully i will eat something.

i have also often thought recently that if i am alone at some point in my life and there is a woman that i am interested in, i would like to give that a try.

although being a woman, i know some of the things about myself that i do not like that i would not want to deal with in someone else.

so i don't know.

maybe if i met someone with whom i could just spend time, that would be nice.

i really think that if i just had a roommate with whom i could hang out at times, and with whom i enjoyed spending time, i would be more happy that if i were in a romantic relationship.  if i just had someone i could talk to about things that were important to me and to them, that would be wonderful.  right now at this point i really don't think that i desire to be with anyone in a physical way.

i don't consider myself to be asexual, but it is true that when i am in a relationship, i notice that i desire physical contact much less than after i have been single for some time.

perhaps as i get older my desires will diminish even more?

or perhaps it is due to my depression?

also, i think that struggling with an eating disorder has increased my self-hatred, and so when i am intimate with someone, i also think about how much i despise myself, and it takes away from our enjoyment of each other.

well, this is just all sunshine, isn't it.

last night, i was able to get out of the house.  i went to a favorite bar just to have a drink.  i knew the bartender so we talked a bit.  i thought it was ironic; he had been working all day and was tired.  there was a band, who turned out to be good, but as they were warming up, it was rather grating.  he came over to me with a knife from behind the bar, and jokingly held out his wrists.  i laughed, but i know he does not know how many times i have wanted to do that to myself.  even now.

after i had some to drink, i went closer to the band, and danced a bit.  thankfully, some of my friends were there.  there was a guy that i think likes me, even though he has a girlfriend.  he is nice, but i am not attracted to him.

his friend was very attractive though.  it was so much fun hanging out with them.

then, when we were at the bar outside, an off-duty bartender was there, whom i have had a crush on for many years.

we talked.

i have been living over the memory of our conversation all day today.

i was drunk, and i think at some points i was a bit too honest.

but i enjoyed talking to him.

in some ways, we think alike.

i only hope we can talk again.

well, i will go for now.

even as i am so sad, i still have hope because of that.

eh

I am starting a blog because I am depressed.  I know, that will get you interested right away.  I hope to branch out into other areas of interest, such as fashion, food, music....once I am a bit less depressed, but for now, I am just sitting at home, longing to express myself to someone.  It doesn't exactly make sense, as I have a boyfriend who cares about me and about whom I care as well.  For some reason I just don't want to talk to him about this.  Probably something I should work on.
Ah well.
I have graduated from college with a fascinating but useless degree.  I am looking for jobs, and into grad school, but what I would really like right now would be to find a job I don't detest, and can actually make a living at.  My dream jobs I am searching for in vain are fashion-related jobs in New York.  If I were to be sensible, I would not be looking for jobs such as these, as I have no qualifications.
However, as a result of wishing to be less depressed, at least for a moment, I am going with the whim of looking for jobs I would actually like.
Well, thanks for reading.  I hope to post some good news soon.