When will things be ok?
I have been looking for jobs.
With no, as yet, real success.
I have been thinking a lot about my life.
Why?
Is all I can think.
Hopefully things will be better.
And soon.
I will meet J downtown later today.
I'm excited to see him.
I hope things will be ok for us.
We care about each other.
But if we can not make it work financially to live together in the same place, at least the same town
I don't think we will stay together for now.
I may get a job in Korea
teaching English.
If that happens
it is so well paid
that I will accept it
and he will probably not come with me.
He may be able to
but I would probably have to pay for everything
and I am kind of tired of doing that.
We will see.
I think I will go meet him soon.
My car is finally done for.
So I will ride my bike downtown.
I'm looking forward to it.
If I have time, I will apply at a few places downtown.
Oh if only!
I hope I hear something soon.
I really have to.
Otherwise I have no where to turn.
No where to go.
Why even live?
This is not living.
This is waiting.
For death?
That is not a good way to live.
To just want to be dead
so you don't have to deal with things
anymore.
Well, enough about that.
When I am able
I think
things have to get better.
They just have to.
Well, I will go for now.
Help.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
I wonder how many times this will happen in my life?
I hope not any more.
I have broken things off w/ J for what I hope is the last time.
He owed me money which I lent him fully thinking I would be repaid.
Well, that was stupid.
Anyway.
So now I have no money, no job, can't be a student right now, and I've paid for my apt. for the next month, but that's it.
Realistically, I should be able to find a job in the next month, at least enough to pay for a 200 dollar a month apartment and less than 100 in bills on top of that.
Luckily I get food stamps, so technically I never have to pay for food.
I am very grateful for that.
It's just being here again that is so crazy.
I have been here before, and it is terrible.
So of course I didn't want it to happen again.
But it did.
Well anyway, as I said, I should be able to find some place to work in a month where I can make over $300, but if that's all I can find, that's all I need, at the moment.
I would like to make more, though, to start saving up for things like a car.
I pray I can find something!
Soon!
Please, God!
Okay, well, moving on.
I would like to keep writing as well.
It's a good outlet, and if I am able to write well, so much the better.
And on top of that, if I can profit from it, well that would be so wonderful!
I can't imagine.
But I can hope. :)
My roommate is gone, and will be gone for the next 4 days.
I will miss her, especially right now.
I wonder if she will let me stay if it takes me a bit longer to find a job?
Well, let's just say I will find one soon!
Anyway, so the writing.
I hope not any more.
I have broken things off w/ J for what I hope is the last time.
He owed me money which I lent him fully thinking I would be repaid.
Well, that was stupid.
Anyway.
So now I have no money, no job, can't be a student right now, and I've paid for my apt. for the next month, but that's it.
Realistically, I should be able to find a job in the next month, at least enough to pay for a 200 dollar a month apartment and less than 100 in bills on top of that.
Luckily I get food stamps, so technically I never have to pay for food.
I am very grateful for that.
It's just being here again that is so crazy.
I have been here before, and it is terrible.
So of course I didn't want it to happen again.
But it did.
Well anyway, as I said, I should be able to find some place to work in a month where I can make over $300, but if that's all I can find, that's all I need, at the moment.
I would like to make more, though, to start saving up for things like a car.
I pray I can find something!
Soon!
Please, God!
Okay, well, moving on.
I would like to keep writing as well.
It's a good outlet, and if I am able to write well, so much the better.
And on top of that, if I can profit from it, well that would be so wonderful!
I can't imagine.
But I can hope. :)
My roommate is gone, and will be gone for the next 4 days.
I will miss her, especially right now.
I wonder if she will let me stay if it takes me a bit longer to find a job?
Well, let's just say I will find one soon!
Anyway, so the writing.
Monday, May 30, 2011
What I Wish My Life Was
I wish my life was a success.
I am sitting here in my room at 1:46 a.m. on a Monday morning. I am picking my face, in my underwear and a tank top. I am rather warm, but don't want to do anything about it.
I stop typing every so often to wipe blood off my face and onto a t-shirt lying next to me.
The t-shirt is, of course, too small and tight, like many of my shirts.
Like the one I have on.
I was supposed to meet my not-yet-officially-ex boyfriend today to go for a walk and hang out.
When I get to his house, we talk for a second. I don't think he really wants to go for a walk, but I don't care. We have fought enough and he has let me down enough for me not to care what he wants.
If he wants it to be over, I am not going to argue.
I want it to be over.
Now all I have to do is tell him.
So here I am, sitting, just finished crying and looking at my bottle of sleeping pills and thinking, I could take a lot of those with vodka and I would probably die.
When I was young, I looked ahead to the time that I would be "old" and thought it would be wonderful. Oddly enough, I didn't picture myself married. I just imagined, I think, that I would be older, but still be on a sunny farm somewhere, or perhaps with a family, but not necessarily with a man. Although when I think about it, if I want to have a family, which I don't think I am yet ready for, I think there should be two parents.
I looked ahead, I thought I would be happy, I thought I would have a home and a family. Of course, I didn't think it through at all.
When I grew old enough to put all these vague ideas into reality, I took a round-about way of doing it.
I went to France right out of high school, living on donations from friends and family, under the guise of doing religious work. At the time I believed it. My family was not impressed with my actions. That's family for you, always supportive.
After being homeschooled, coddled and spoiled and ignored, I went to France. No family, no real supervision, no reality. One bubble to another.
I came back, lived at home again, and went to a community college for 1 year, with things pretty much as they were in hight school. Church often, no dating, no going out, no drinking. These things weren't forbidden me; they simply didn't occur to me. Of course I had crushes on boys, but other than the most innocent excitement of liking someone, I had no sexual desire or even an awareness of the possibility. I didn't like it when people touched me. I'm sure that had something to do with it.
Then I transferred to a college with lofty religious principles and a dingy reality.
I became slowly, surely, violently depressed. My mother came and I saw a medical doctor. He said, "What is it you want to do?" I said, "Go home." So that's what I did. I dropped out, in disgrace I might add, having "cheated" on my work hours.
I went home and slept for a month. Then I decided to enroll in classes for the spring at the university in my town. Going there versus the other college, I was incredulous. I was also naive. I worked and took classes, and had credit cards.
Limping along toward graduation, I borrowed more and more student loans, went through bout after bout of racking up debt on credit cards, and continued taking and dropping out of classes, determined to graduate but not sure how it was going to happen. I changed to a major I liked, not realizing how screwed I would be if that's all I had to show when I graduated.
Since graduation, my life has been nothing.
I wish my life was a success.
I am sitting here in my room at 1:46 a.m. on a Monday morning. I am picking my face, in my underwear and a tank top. I am rather warm, but don't want to do anything about it.
I stop typing every so often to wipe blood off my face and onto a t-shirt lying next to me.
The t-shirt is, of course, too small and tight, like many of my shirts.
Like the one I have on.
I was supposed to meet my not-yet-officially-ex boyfriend today to go for a walk and hang out.
When I get to his house, we talk for a second. I don't think he really wants to go for a walk, but I don't care. We have fought enough and he has let me down enough for me not to care what he wants.
If he wants it to be over, I am not going to argue.
I want it to be over.
Now all I have to do is tell him.
So here I am, sitting, just finished crying and looking at my bottle of sleeping pills and thinking, I could take a lot of those with vodka and I would probably die.
When I was young, I looked ahead to the time that I would be "old" and thought it would be wonderful. Oddly enough, I didn't picture myself married. I just imagined, I think, that I would be older, but still be on a sunny farm somewhere, or perhaps with a family, but not necessarily with a man. Although when I think about it, if I want to have a family, which I don't think I am yet ready for, I think there should be two parents.
I looked ahead, I thought I would be happy, I thought I would have a home and a family. Of course, I didn't think it through at all.
When I grew old enough to put all these vague ideas into reality, I took a round-about way of doing it.
I went to France right out of high school, living on donations from friends and family, under the guise of doing religious work. At the time I believed it. My family was not impressed with my actions. That's family for you, always supportive.
After being homeschooled, coddled and spoiled and ignored, I went to France. No family, no real supervision, no reality. One bubble to another.
I came back, lived at home again, and went to a community college for 1 year, with things pretty much as they were in hight school. Church often, no dating, no going out, no drinking. These things weren't forbidden me; they simply didn't occur to me. Of course I had crushes on boys, but other than the most innocent excitement of liking someone, I had no sexual desire or even an awareness of the possibility. I didn't like it when people touched me. I'm sure that had something to do with it.
Then I transferred to a college with lofty religious principles and a dingy reality.
I became slowly, surely, violently depressed. My mother came and I saw a medical doctor. He said, "What is it you want to do?" I said, "Go home." So that's what I did. I dropped out, in disgrace I might add, having "cheated" on my work hours.
I went home and slept for a month. Then I decided to enroll in classes for the spring at the university in my town. Going there versus the other college, I was incredulous. I was also naive. I worked and took classes, and had credit cards.
Limping along toward graduation, I borrowed more and more student loans, went through bout after bout of racking up debt on credit cards, and continued taking and dropping out of classes, determined to graduate but not sure how it was going to happen. I changed to a major I liked, not realizing how screwed I would be if that's all I had to show when I graduated.
Since graduation, my life has been nothing.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Tonight I worked more on my personal statement for grad school.
Already it is quite intimidating; it needs to be 600-1000 words I believe, and I have less than 400. And I already feel I have said everything I want, although I don't feel I have said everything I need to.
This is why I hate personal statements.
I feel this enormous pressure to have it be perfect, and if I don't get accepted I will think, "It was my lackluster personal statement. I am just not good enough at writing a compelling personal statement."
I think what I would like to focus my research on is interesting.
(I hope they will too)
I think I would like to research feminism, body image, and eating disorders throughout the history of France.
Maybe all this writing about eating disorders will one day help me with mine.
Truth is, I don't want to change what I eat.
I am happy with what I eat, which is a lot of ice cream.
I am not happy with how often and how much I am hungry, but I am happy with the amount of ice cream I consume every day. Well, I do think it is probably too much, but I am still happy as I am taking another spoonful of it.
I think I have gained a bit of weight, but that is only because some of my clothes are not fitting any more, and in pictures sometimes I think I look fat. Although usually I think I look too thin.
So there you have it.
I hope they will go for my research topic.
I have read other writings on the subject of eating disorders, and they have been of great help to me.
Then I could take classes, learn to teach, become a professor, be proud of what I am doing, and make enough money to pay my own bills and hopefully not be constantly worried about it.
I look around at the people who pass me on the road every day, and at the houses I drive by.
"How do they pay for all that?" I wonder. How is it possible that they have cracked the code and I have not? What does it take that I don't know about to be able to buy things like houses and cars, or at least rent an accommodation and have a car that runs reasonably well? And be able to pay for things like food and insurance and rent and presents for your family and going out and getting a drink once in a while? How has seemingly everyone else figured out how to do this?
I honestly don't know.
I wish I did.
I hope someday it will happen.
I have to believe it will, otherwise, I don't want to go on.
I don't want to be worried every
single
day.
Please, I don't want to.
Please.
Ah well, think about something else.
So I have a renewed excitement to complete the application for grad school.
If I were to get accepted to U of Penn, I think that would be "it" for me. Of course, I have thought that before, about going to France, about graduating..... But I have to believe it will make things much better.
Just think of it, being on the campus in Pennsylvania, it is so beautiful there. It's an Ivy League school, so I would be so thrilled and taken aback. I really can't imagine, but I can dare to hope, I think.
Walking the campus in tweeds in the fall, with my books, the sun is gently falling through the leaves...
I would be teaching I think from the moment I arrive, another dream come true.
Oh, I hope and pray it is so.
Please, God.
Please let me work at something that I care about and that I believe I can contribute to.
Is that too much to ask?
I don't think it is in principle, but I have yet to see it played out in my life like that, at least after I graduated.
Being in school was difficult, but it was also heavenly.
To be able to study what I love, be surrounded by people who are studying the same thing, discussing it, it was wonderful.
I didn't know how wonderful it was, really, of course, until it was no more.
Then this semester, I had the opportunity to go back to school, but I didn't make it to a single class.
I would walk to campus, and then feel I should walk some more. So I did. Then I walked back home, went to work out.
Finally I just gave up the effort and simply worked out every day.
I would study, sometimes, in the evening.
It's nice to have enough time to "care for" my compulsions, but I believe it would be better if I had commitments I had to keep, such as work.
I am hoping I will have a job soon.
I kind of need one.
It would allow me to be free of J.
I am free of him already, but money is a huge worry.
I pray I won't need to worry about it soon.
Please, God.
I should be able to find a job in a month.
Right?
I am intelligent, well-spoken and -written, very attentive to detail, easy to get along with... I would think I have many desirable qualities for an employer.
Please, God!
Thank you :)
Well, my brain is growing tired.
Till next time.
Already it is quite intimidating; it needs to be 600-1000 words I believe, and I have less than 400. And I already feel I have said everything I want, although I don't feel I have said everything I need to.
This is why I hate personal statements.
I feel this enormous pressure to have it be perfect, and if I don't get accepted I will think, "It was my lackluster personal statement. I am just not good enough at writing a compelling personal statement."
I think what I would like to focus my research on is interesting.
(I hope they will too)
I think I would like to research feminism, body image, and eating disorders throughout the history of France.
Maybe all this writing about eating disorders will one day help me with mine.
Truth is, I don't want to change what I eat.
I am happy with what I eat, which is a lot of ice cream.
I am not happy with how often and how much I am hungry, but I am happy with the amount of ice cream I consume every day. Well, I do think it is probably too much, but I am still happy as I am taking another spoonful of it.
I think I have gained a bit of weight, but that is only because some of my clothes are not fitting any more, and in pictures sometimes I think I look fat. Although usually I think I look too thin.
So there you have it.
I hope they will go for my research topic.
I have read other writings on the subject of eating disorders, and they have been of great help to me.
Then I could take classes, learn to teach, become a professor, be proud of what I am doing, and make enough money to pay my own bills and hopefully not be constantly worried about it.
I look around at the people who pass me on the road every day, and at the houses I drive by.
"How do they pay for all that?" I wonder. How is it possible that they have cracked the code and I have not? What does it take that I don't know about to be able to buy things like houses and cars, or at least rent an accommodation and have a car that runs reasonably well? And be able to pay for things like food and insurance and rent and presents for your family and going out and getting a drink once in a while? How has seemingly everyone else figured out how to do this?
I honestly don't know.
I wish I did.
I hope someday it will happen.
I have to believe it will, otherwise, I don't want to go on.
I don't want to be worried every
single
day.
Please, I don't want to.
Please.
Ah well, think about something else.
So I have a renewed excitement to complete the application for grad school.
If I were to get accepted to U of Penn, I think that would be "it" for me. Of course, I have thought that before, about going to France, about graduating..... But I have to believe it will make things much better.
Just think of it, being on the campus in Pennsylvania, it is so beautiful there. It's an Ivy League school, so I would be so thrilled and taken aback. I really can't imagine, but I can dare to hope, I think.
Walking the campus in tweeds in the fall, with my books, the sun is gently falling through the leaves...
I would be teaching I think from the moment I arrive, another dream come true.
Oh, I hope and pray it is so.
Please, God.
Please let me work at something that I care about and that I believe I can contribute to.
Is that too much to ask?
I don't think it is in principle, but I have yet to see it played out in my life like that, at least after I graduated.
Being in school was difficult, but it was also heavenly.
To be able to study what I love, be surrounded by people who are studying the same thing, discussing it, it was wonderful.
I didn't know how wonderful it was, really, of course, until it was no more.
Then this semester, I had the opportunity to go back to school, but I didn't make it to a single class.
I would walk to campus, and then feel I should walk some more. So I did. Then I walked back home, went to work out.
Finally I just gave up the effort and simply worked out every day.
I would study, sometimes, in the evening.
It's nice to have enough time to "care for" my compulsions, but I believe it would be better if I had commitments I had to keep, such as work.
I am hoping I will have a job soon.
I kind of need one.
It would allow me to be free of J.
I am free of him already, but money is a huge worry.
I pray I won't need to worry about it soon.
Please, God.
I should be able to find a job in a month.
Right?
I am intelligent, well-spoken and -written, very attentive to detail, easy to get along with... I would think I have many desirable qualities for an employer.
Please, God!
Thank you :)
Well, my brain is growing tired.
Till next time.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
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